you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
