hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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