There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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