I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
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i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
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I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
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