She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
