remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
