Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
