Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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