Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
