we have officially lost it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
