Me too!
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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