He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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