So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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