Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
