Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
This toilet bowl is my home.
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