I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
