Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
