Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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