Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
