oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
