I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
