Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
