Quick, to the slutcave!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
