i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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