You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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