Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
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This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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