Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
