Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
