I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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