Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
