my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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