Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
