I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
