thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
