It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dignity is for republicans.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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