when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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