True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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