but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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