ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
