Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
