great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
