I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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