When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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