I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
we should paint friendship bongs
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
