Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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