pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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