I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
