Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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