Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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