She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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