for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
