I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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