you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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