I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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