Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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