I want to have your abortion
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
