I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.