Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now