Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I love you.
Bad choice
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
